Monday, May 4, 2009

Jono's Testicle Tales

I have a suffered many a testicular injury during sport (supposedly the most common sporting injury), but the two most painful would have to be:

#1: When I was 14, I was in my judo class where were were practising throws from the horse stance. The horse stance is where you keep your back straight, and squat with your legs about a metre apart. It's supposed to defend against techniques that pull you off balance particularly from the front.

So there I was, squatting low, an impressive example of judo expertise, when the class trouble-maker Regan (a hyperactive 10 year old with ADD) thought it'd be funny to come up behind me while I was distracted fighting my opponent. He then kicked me straight up in the gonads, toes upwards. It was excruciating and I crawled off the mat. Regan got sent home from class and I was in agony for about 20 minutes. (His Mum made him apologise to me the following week with a stuttering "suh-suh-suh-sorry")

#2: At a provincial Under 18 tournament, I was batting at number 11 facing the tournament tearaway bowler. His first ball smashed my finger, nearly breaking it. His second ball swung in and struck me full on in the balls. Now, when you bat you're supposed to not show any pain or fear if you get hit, otherwise the fielding team smell blood. I heard everyone suck in their breath and groan when I was struck, and surprisingly despite the pain, I managed half a smile, whilst doubled over. The final ball dismissed me and I didn't give a toss. Back in the dressing room, I inspected to see if there was any damage -- my box had a crack down the centre of it...


  1. just like to share my two testicles stories funny how they come in in pairs

    1. My mate theo who suffered from elephantis of the left testicle which simply means it was huuge the size a tennis ball he had lost all sensation in it. Which meant he could endure people squeezing his testicle without pain. A popular party trick they would keep us entertained."Squeeze this with all your might he who shout see it doesnt hurt" hilarious stuff

    He would like to compare his testicle against anyone to see who had the largest ball.Unfortunately is schlong didnt match up to left testicle or perhaps it was the distorted shaped had dwarfed his old fella

  2. Great tale Zac...but that's only's the other one hanging?

  3. 2. True story heard it on the radio so it must have been true.

    An elderly gent in frail health would shower sitting on a plastic chair, through the passage of time the chair had deteriorated and spilit and crumbled oneday when he was sitting on it and showering. The chair opened up his testicle went south trapped them underneath the chair whilst he remained seated above. Needless to say the fire bridage had to preform an interesting rescue job on him

  4. "take away the pain leave the swelling" ben these stories of mishaps involving testicles are hilarious amazing where these lil buggars end up

    sorry for all my typos

  5. yep, think i'm going to have to give away more than one book. i reposted your story on the frontpage. it's a great one. and i even fixed your typos for you : )