Monday, May 11, 2009

Ben Still's Testicle Tales

Not one but three testicle tales from Ben Still. Now there's a man who's looking for a free book.

1. The Wuxi Finger

One of the things I’ve learnt since the little people moved in to our house (aka having kids) is how much better a movie or book can become the more times you watch it. Like a good wine, it becomes better over time. You might think you got it the first time, but it is only when you’ve watched a movie more than 10 times that you start to gain real insights. Once you hit 50 you ascend to another plane- you are at one with the movie director.

And so it is with that modern cinema classic, Kung Fu Panda. I hit the magic 50 a while back. I don’t want to ruin it if you haven’t already seen it, but in the final scene the Panda kills the baddie Tailung. He does it with a mystical Kung Fu move called the Wuxi Finger (pronounced “wuu shee fingAAR”). It involves pinching with your thumb and index finger, then lifting your little finger. Part of any good movie experience is acting out random scenes – again this is where watching it a few times helps. For my little people this involves lots of screaming, running, jumping and kicking; as well as the inevitable Wuxi Finger.

At this point I must disclose that I am a regular Lycra wearer. I ride to and from work on my bike. I arrive home and there is a thunderous stampede of little people coming to greet me. At first this involved a hug, but recently there has been a new development. A little hand will reach around and give Dad a bit of a Wuxi Finger tweak between the legs. Anything that can cause a yelp like that from an adult is pretty interesting to your young Kung Fu enthusiast, so from that point it was pretty much game on. Now coming home after work involves me creeping in ninja style, and getting changed as quickly as I can before I fall victim again to the fearsome Wuxi Finger.

2. Too much gel

I was talking to one of my cycling buddies (let’s call him “Lance”) about my friend Ben, who is celebrating the release of his book. I’d just read the Chapter 1 preview, which was pretty interesting. It turns out Lance is one of those guys that sit in the dark room analysing the ultrasounds, just like in Ben’s book. I told him Ben’s squeamish “hair gel on the balls” experience, and asked if this was a regular reaction.
Lance told me how one of the clinics that he had worked at was visited by a Medicare fraud investigator. He was investigating why this clinic had done over 40 procedures for the same patient over a few months.
It turns out that this patient had had 40 of the same procedure – an ultrasound of the testicles with that gel that Ben had enjoyed so much.

3. Orange peel

Lance then went on to tell me another story of his days behind the ultrasound screen. One patient was complaining of sore testicles, so he was booked in for the gel and ultrasound. The ultrasound scan was pretty alarming – so Lance asked the patient what on earth he had done.

Turns out this guy was getting some swelling of his testicles. Apparently this can happen after a strain. Similar to tendonitis in the elbow or knee, the testicles swell with fluid as the body tries to sort things out.

This guy decided to take matters into his own hands. Being someone who has unsuccessfully defrosted a fridge with a power drill, I can completely understand. He decided to take a needle and see if he could let some fluid out. But the wall of the testicles is quite tough – according to Lance it is similar to an orange peel. The patient told Lance he had tried for a while with the needle without luck, and then decided to push a little bit harder. Being a lateral thinker, he realised pushing alone was not going to do it, so he tried a soft tap with a hammer.

Lance wasn’t sure if this actually resulted in any of the fluid coming out, but it did result in the needle going all the way in. And staying in. Amazingly, he’d missed all the vital bits, and had somehow navigated his needle around them. The actual entry hole had healed over, so Lance asked the patient how long ago this was. Turns out this guy had been toughing things out for over a year, and it was only a visit up to Sydney that prompted the scan.

1 comment:

  1. A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

    The interviewer asks him, “Have you been in the service?”

    “Yes,” he says. “I was in Viet Nam for three years.”

    The interviewer says, “That will give you extra points toward employment” and then asks, “Are you disabled in any way?

    The guy says, “Yes 100%… a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off.”

    The interviewer tells the guy, “O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. To 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00A.M.”

    The guy is puzzled and says, “If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. To 4:00 P.M. Then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?”

    “This is a government job” the interviewer says.

    “For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls… no point in you coming in for that.”